I don't wonder about who I am as a person, but more who I am in this modern world. In society, what is my part? Do I even have one? What piece of the puzzle am I?

More and more I am coming to the conclusion that I don't fit. Cards on the table, there isn't a job in this society that I will be happy with. So the question becomes, do I compromise my complete happiness for mediocre joy and a decent paying job? Or say 'fuck it' and live a vagabond life? This is a rhetorical question by the way. I don't actually want any of you to give me your opinions. Sorry.

Remember that post back in June (see 2 down) about how in love with MCS I am?

well...

Wonderful story about Matt Taylor. About 3/4 of the way through the set, Matt and I locked eyes while singing along. We both did that awkward smile that grew into full on grin. So once they finished, Matt reached down, looked up at me, grabbed his setlist, got off the stage, walked right up to me, and handed me his setlist. Not a 'hold it out for whoever grabs it' but gives it directly to me, despite all the girls that were trying to yank it out of me hand.

Oh hey there.

In life of Jes, school has begun once more. This means the diet of redbull and airborne is in full swing and any hopes of more than 5 hrs of sleeps per nights is a mere joke. In between classes, meetings with Congressmen and Senators are being planned out and nerdy dresses are being made. Autumn is nearly in full swing and puddle stomping fills in the time between school and work. Public transportation has been more amusing than ever and a decent place to take a nap before class. Friends of the road are dearly missed and nostalgia is invading the mind more often than not.

And that is your recent update on the life of Jes.

My Dinosaur Life

I feel the need to discuss my absolute love and adoration for Motion City Soundtrack, but namely Justin Pierre.

Stop. Did Jes just admit to liking MCS?

Yes, yes I did.

If you know of MCS, you've probably heard songs like 'LG Fuad', 'Everything Is Alright', and 'This Is For Real'. While these are catchy songs, they are not why I love them so much. I do enjoy the upbeat mood that is encouraged by the moog, and the awesomness of Justin's Hair, but there's something more than that which I love dearly.

Lyrically:

"What makes me so different? The insides work the same. You ever fear the dark? Impressions of your future:The slightest gravestone whisper, the stillness of your heart. I feel it growing dark. A fever inching deeper; a fever inching to the core. I'll kick tomorrow, fight back at the pouring rain. I'll send the weekends down the drain, down the drain." -The Weakends

"I have apologized a billion times when I've gone off the wall like Buster Rhymes. And pulled a stupid stunt that left you thinking there was something wrong with me. You've thrown a few choice phrases at my way and I've ignored them all as best I could. Except that tiny bit how I just can't commit. There was some truth in what you say" -Stand Too Close

"Last night I fell in love without you. The coup de grâce that set me off would've made for decent fiction. Every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love. And only time will tell if violins will swell in memory of what we used to call in love.
Used to call it...
Last night I fell in love without you. The stars at night aren't as big and bright as you make them out to be." -Fell In Love Without You

I'm not asking you to leave. I'm just begging you to let me get some sleep. I've lied awake for far too long. I get so sick and tired of witnessing the dawn
As summer hangs on the horizon, desire jumps the fence and hightails to the sea. A subtle tale turns into nightmares. Without the sentence structure nothing functions, no one has a clue if it's me or if it's you. Was it me or was it you?" -Not Asking You to Leave

-------------------

Justin has been through some messed up stuff. Even though we have led entirely differently lives and are talking about compeltely different situations, my entire life can be summed up in just a few of his songs. From love to personal fears, he gets it all. There are a few bands out there that sing about topics that I can relate to, but Justin uses the exact words that go through me mind.

So that's my gush about MCS. I could go on forever (no really, I could) but I think you should just go check them out for yourself.

The problem with having a crush on the same singer for 7 years:

Then:


Now:


I still think he's hot though ;)

This addiction

I've spent the last 3 hours playing "De-Animator" online. I tried watching "Last House on the Left" but just couldn't get into it. The special effects are quite lovely though.

I figured that 4 days by myself would have given me plenty of time to get out of this writing slump I'm in. I'm a day and a half down with no such luck. I haven't even begun a story in at least 6 months. I am feeling a bit more creative which is indeed a step up.

I'm pretty sure that the only thing missing from my life is Justin Pierre becoming my best friend. Yup, that's about it.

Well I guess this is growing up

Buckle your seat belts, this is going to be a long one. It's full of emotion and it makes me feel a bit more vulnerable than I'd like. But I think it's something that I need to share a bit.

The question is, how do I start? I guess I'll begin with what this entry will include. As I said in my last entry, I've been trying to find some stability. I'll be honest, this hasn't been an easy road. But let me back up...

When I was a roadie, I learned so much about myself. In many ways I really started becoming me. I discovered my flaws, my weakness, and everything I never wanted to know about who I was. On the other side of the coin I uncovered a person who has talent, drive, and dedication. I learned that I am one bold 19 year old who won't stop. I'm stubborn and loud, but never without a reason. I stick to my morals and always stand by my friends. I learned what true friendship is and what it's truly like to love another individual without having to be in a relationship with them. To be incredibly honest, I feel odd about the whole experience. I feel like I gained so much from being a roadie and I hope and pray I gave enough in return.

This brings me to the month following my homecoming. Now that was a rough month. I spent a lot of time just trying to figure something, anything out. This issue was, I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted it. I struggled a lot the first month and had no idea what I was struggling with. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Becky and Adam, trying to put my finger on it. I had returned home and was kicking and screaming the whole way. I'm not going to lie, I don't like being back in Oregon. In the scenery sense, it's beautiful and yes, I am glad to see my family again. However, this is not where I belong.

I spent a long time trying to just find a way out. So much time in fact, that I fell into a rut. I spent every day just looking at plane tickets and apartments on the east coast. My daily routine became searching for that escape. This may sound ridiculous, but I became so lost in this search that I began to lose myself. I was engulfed in the the idea of living this whole new life that I was living in that idea, not in the present time.

This somehow led to forgetting who I am and the desperately trying to re find myself. I became slightly uncomfortable with who I am because I wasn't quite sure who that was. During this time I also had something incredibly difficult to deal with.

I had my horse, Tag, for well over 12 years. When things got rough, he was the one that I turned to. See I didn't have to explain to Tag who I was, he didn't care. I was incredibly attached to him and still am. 3 weeks ago Tag twisted his gut and had to be put down. I won't go any further into it because to be honest it's still hard to think about.
As you know, I am Lakota. As a part of tradition, I keep my hair long unless I lose someone close to me or do something to shame my family. I chose to cut my hair after losing Tag. If you haven't seen pictures yet, I cut off 13 inches. This was a drastic and very difficult change for me.

Over the past 3 days I've done more thinking than I'd have liked, but I knew I had to be honest with myself. I looked back at the journal entry I wrote on the plane ride to San Diego back in August. I didn't write much, but one phrase stood out,

"I don't know what will happen. All I can really say is that I'm not looking to find out who I am, I'm looking for the questions I must ask myself in order to get there."

and I am doing just that. This has been one fucking CRAZY path I've been on. But you know what? For the first time in a long time, I am not only comfortable with who I am, but I'm proud of it. I'm happy to be 19 and still wearing Justice League pajamas. I'm glad I choose to Youth Brigade over Taylor Swift. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a bass player and can hold my own in a circle pit. I have no shame over the fact that I spend hours on end playing guitar hero and watching Robot Chicken. Damn straight I'm curvy and value my mind over my looks. Hell yeah I fight for social justice and a better environment! Yes, I believe in giving back to my community, pushing for a stronger and better tomorrow, and embracing the dreams of each generation. I'm confident, independent, bold, strong, geeky, artsy, punky, straight edge, and a vegetarian. Guess what, I'm damn proud of it!

This has been a rough transition, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade it for the world.

Well, it's been over 2 months since my last post. I don't have much to say today other than I'm back in Oregon and trying to find some form of stability. I feel liking I'm going through reverse culture shock.