Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Well I guess this is growing up
Buckle your seat belts, this is going to be a long one. It's full of emotion and it makes me feel a bit more vulnerable than I'd like. But I think it's something that I need to share a bit.
The question is, how do I start? I guess I'll begin with what this entry will include. As I said in my last entry, I've been trying to find some stability. I'll be honest, this hasn't been an easy road. But let me back up...
When I was a roadie, I learned so much about myself. In many ways I really started becoming me. I discovered my flaws, my weakness, and everything I never wanted to know about who I was. On the other side of the coin I uncovered a person who has talent, drive, and dedication. I learned that I am one bold 19 year old who won't stop. I'm stubborn and loud, but never without a reason. I stick to my morals and always stand by my friends. I learned what true friendship is and what it's truly like to love another individual without having to be in a relationship with them. To be incredibly honest, I feel odd about the whole experience. I feel like I gained so much from being a roadie and I hope and pray I gave enough in return.
This brings me to the month following my homecoming. Now that was a rough month. I spent a lot of time just trying to figure something, anything out. This issue was, I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted it. I struggled a lot the first month and had no idea what I was struggling with. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Becky and Adam, trying to put my finger on it. I had returned home and was kicking and screaming the whole way. I'm not going to lie, I don't like being back in Oregon. In the scenery sense, it's beautiful and yes, I am glad to see my family again. However, this is not where I belong.
I spent a long time trying to just find a way out. So much time in fact, that I fell into a rut. I spent every day just looking at plane tickets and apartments on the east coast. My daily routine became searching for that escape. This may sound ridiculous, but I became so lost in this search that I began to lose myself. I was engulfed in the the idea of living this whole new life that I was living in that idea, not in the present time.
This somehow led to forgetting who I am and the desperately trying to re find myself. I became slightly uncomfortable with who I am because I wasn't quite sure who that was. During this time I also had something incredibly difficult to deal with.
I had my horse, Tag, for well over 12 years. When things got rough, he was the one that I turned to. See I didn't have to explain to Tag who I was, he didn't care. I was incredibly attached to him and still am. 3 weeks ago Tag twisted his gut and had to be put down. I won't go any further into it because to be honest it's still hard to think about.
As you know, I am Lakota. As a part of tradition, I keep my hair long unless I lose someone close to me or do something to shame my family. I chose to cut my hair after losing Tag. If you haven't seen pictures yet, I cut off 13 inches. This was a drastic and very difficult change for me.
Over the past 3 days I've done more thinking than I'd have liked, but I knew I had to be honest with myself. I looked back at the journal entry I wrote on the plane ride to San Diego back in August. I didn't write much, but one phrase stood out,
"I don't know what will happen. All I can really say is that I'm not looking to find out who I am, I'm looking for the questions I must ask myself in order to get there."
and I am doing just that. This has been one fucking CRAZY path I've been on. But you know what? For the first time in a long time, I am not only comfortable with who I am, but I'm proud of it. I'm happy to be 19 and still wearing Justice League pajamas. I'm glad I choose to Youth Brigade over Taylor Swift. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a bass player and can hold my own in a circle pit. I have no shame over the fact that I spend hours on end playing guitar hero and watching Robot Chicken. Damn straight I'm curvy and value my mind over my looks. Hell yeah I fight for social justice and a better environment! Yes, I believe in giving back to my community, pushing for a stronger and better tomorrow, and embracing the dreams of each generation. I'm confident, independent, bold, strong, geeky, artsy, punky, straight edge, and a vegetarian. Guess what, I'm damn proud of it!
This has been a rough transition, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade it for the world.
The question is, how do I start? I guess I'll begin with what this entry will include. As I said in my last entry, I've been trying to find some stability. I'll be honest, this hasn't been an easy road. But let me back up...
When I was a roadie, I learned so much about myself. In many ways I really started becoming me. I discovered my flaws, my weakness, and everything I never wanted to know about who I was. On the other side of the coin I uncovered a person who has talent, drive, and dedication. I learned that I am one bold 19 year old who won't stop. I'm stubborn and loud, but never without a reason. I stick to my morals and always stand by my friends. I learned what true friendship is and what it's truly like to love another individual without having to be in a relationship with them. To be incredibly honest, I feel odd about the whole experience. I feel like I gained so much from being a roadie and I hope and pray I gave enough in return.
This brings me to the month following my homecoming. Now that was a rough month. I spent a lot of time just trying to figure something, anything out. This issue was, I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted it. I struggled a lot the first month and had no idea what I was struggling with. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Becky and Adam, trying to put my finger on it. I had returned home and was kicking and screaming the whole way. I'm not going to lie, I don't like being back in Oregon. In the scenery sense, it's beautiful and yes, I am glad to see my family again. However, this is not where I belong.
I spent a long time trying to just find a way out. So much time in fact, that I fell into a rut. I spent every day just looking at plane tickets and apartments on the east coast. My daily routine became searching for that escape. This may sound ridiculous, but I became so lost in this search that I began to lose myself. I was engulfed in the the idea of living this whole new life that I was living in that idea, not in the present time.
This somehow led to forgetting who I am and the desperately trying to re find myself. I became slightly uncomfortable with who I am because I wasn't quite sure who that was. During this time I also had something incredibly difficult to deal with.
I had my horse, Tag, for well over 12 years. When things got rough, he was the one that I turned to. See I didn't have to explain to Tag who I was, he didn't care. I was incredibly attached to him and still am. 3 weeks ago Tag twisted his gut and had to be put down. I won't go any further into it because to be honest it's still hard to think about.
As you know, I am Lakota. As a part of tradition, I keep my hair long unless I lose someone close to me or do something to shame my family. I chose to cut my hair after losing Tag. If you haven't seen pictures yet, I cut off 13 inches. This was a drastic and very difficult change for me.
Over the past 3 days I've done more thinking than I'd have liked, but I knew I had to be honest with myself. I looked back at the journal entry I wrote on the plane ride to San Diego back in August. I didn't write much, but one phrase stood out,
"I don't know what will happen. All I can really say is that I'm not looking to find out who I am, I'm looking for the questions I must ask myself in order to get there."
and I am doing just that. This has been one fucking CRAZY path I've been on. But you know what? For the first time in a long time, I am not only comfortable with who I am, but I'm proud of it. I'm happy to be 19 and still wearing Justice League pajamas. I'm glad I choose to Youth Brigade over Taylor Swift. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a bass player and can hold my own in a circle pit. I have no shame over the fact that I spend hours on end playing guitar hero and watching Robot Chicken. Damn straight I'm curvy and value my mind over my looks. Hell yeah I fight for social justice and a better environment! Yes, I believe in giving back to my community, pushing for a stronger and better tomorrow, and embracing the dreams of each generation. I'm confident, independent, bold, strong, geeky, artsy, punky, straight edge, and a vegetarian. Guess what, I'm damn proud of it!
This has been a rough transition, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade it for the world.
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