The problem with having a crush on the same singer for 7 years:

Then:


Now:


I still think he's hot though ;)

This addiction

I've spent the last 3 hours playing "De-Animator" online. I tried watching "Last House on the Left" but just couldn't get into it. The special effects are quite lovely though.

I figured that 4 days by myself would have given me plenty of time to get out of this writing slump I'm in. I'm a day and a half down with no such luck. I haven't even begun a story in at least 6 months. I am feeling a bit more creative which is indeed a step up.

I'm pretty sure that the only thing missing from my life is Justin Pierre becoming my best friend. Yup, that's about it.

Well I guess this is growing up

Buckle your seat belts, this is going to be a long one. It's full of emotion and it makes me feel a bit more vulnerable than I'd like. But I think it's something that I need to share a bit.

The question is, how do I start? I guess I'll begin with what this entry will include. As I said in my last entry, I've been trying to find some stability. I'll be honest, this hasn't been an easy road. But let me back up...

When I was a roadie, I learned so much about myself. In many ways I really started becoming me. I discovered my flaws, my weakness, and everything I never wanted to know about who I was. On the other side of the coin I uncovered a person who has talent, drive, and dedication. I learned that I am one bold 19 year old who won't stop. I'm stubborn and loud, but never without a reason. I stick to my morals and always stand by my friends. I learned what true friendship is and what it's truly like to love another individual without having to be in a relationship with them. To be incredibly honest, I feel odd about the whole experience. I feel like I gained so much from being a roadie and I hope and pray I gave enough in return.

This brings me to the month following my homecoming. Now that was a rough month. I spent a lot of time just trying to figure something, anything out. This issue was, I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted it. I struggled a lot the first month and had no idea what I was struggling with. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Becky and Adam, trying to put my finger on it. I had returned home and was kicking and screaming the whole way. I'm not going to lie, I don't like being back in Oregon. In the scenery sense, it's beautiful and yes, I am glad to see my family again. However, this is not where I belong.

I spent a long time trying to just find a way out. So much time in fact, that I fell into a rut. I spent every day just looking at plane tickets and apartments on the east coast. My daily routine became searching for that escape. This may sound ridiculous, but I became so lost in this search that I began to lose myself. I was engulfed in the the idea of living this whole new life that I was living in that idea, not in the present time.

This somehow led to forgetting who I am and the desperately trying to re find myself. I became slightly uncomfortable with who I am because I wasn't quite sure who that was. During this time I also had something incredibly difficult to deal with.

I had my horse, Tag, for well over 12 years. When things got rough, he was the one that I turned to. See I didn't have to explain to Tag who I was, he didn't care. I was incredibly attached to him and still am. 3 weeks ago Tag twisted his gut and had to be put down. I won't go any further into it because to be honest it's still hard to think about.
As you know, I am Lakota. As a part of tradition, I keep my hair long unless I lose someone close to me or do something to shame my family. I chose to cut my hair after losing Tag. If you haven't seen pictures yet, I cut off 13 inches. This was a drastic and very difficult change for me.

Over the past 3 days I've done more thinking than I'd have liked, but I knew I had to be honest with myself. I looked back at the journal entry I wrote on the plane ride to San Diego back in August. I didn't write much, but one phrase stood out,

"I don't know what will happen. All I can really say is that I'm not looking to find out who I am, I'm looking for the questions I must ask myself in order to get there."

and I am doing just that. This has been one fucking CRAZY path I've been on. But you know what? For the first time in a long time, I am not only comfortable with who I am, but I'm proud of it. I'm happy to be 19 and still wearing Justice League pajamas. I'm glad I choose to Youth Brigade over Taylor Swift. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a bass player and can hold my own in a circle pit. I have no shame over the fact that I spend hours on end playing guitar hero and watching Robot Chicken. Damn straight I'm curvy and value my mind over my looks. Hell yeah I fight for social justice and a better environment! Yes, I believe in giving back to my community, pushing for a stronger and better tomorrow, and embracing the dreams of each generation. I'm confident, independent, bold, strong, geeky, artsy, punky, straight edge, and a vegetarian. Guess what, I'm damn proud of it!

This has been a rough transition, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade it for the world.

Well, it's been over 2 months since my last post. I don't have much to say today other than I'm back in Oregon and trying to find some form of stability. I feel liking I'm going through reverse culture shock.

November 22nd, 2009

"I'll sacrifice one moment for one truth"

Wichita, Kansas: We're on our way back to San Diego (15 hours into our 36 hour drive) and meeting up with Great Lakes around lunch time. I've had sometime to reflect on the fact that the road part of tour is over, though to be honest I'm still processing the last 2 and a half months. With the musical talents of Finch and Alkaline Trio flooding my headphones for the past 4 hours, I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that in 2 days I won't be living out of a van.

I've been able to talk to a few people in order to externally process my experience on the road. I've learned the best and the worst sides of my character. Overall I think I've grown up tremendously over the past 4 months. I've always been one to stick true to who I am, but I feel I've finally discovered just who that person is. I'm no longer just sticking to morals and ideas, they are my morals and ideas. I've discovered my own capacity of dedication and how I can push it so much further. I have accomplished so much more than I had ever imagine and gained a great amount of knowledge. I sincerely feel like I own IC more than I could ever repay, because I have gained so much from this experience and I would like it to continue.

I'm sure I'll dive further into the things I have taken away from this, but it's my turn to pump gas.


1,663 miles to go

October 18th, 2009

We've been staying with the Pahls for the past 3 days and loving it.

Adam came to visit us for a week and we dropped him off yesterday. While he was here, I managed to capture one of the major things we love about him.